Contemplation

I wont lie. Today was rough. It started out hopeful, but ended up being a very discouraging day. With all my grand ideas of cleaning, family fun, and positive motivation leading to a successful story, prayer, and song before bed, I never knew the despair that would come from my failure.
I don't want to go into too many details. And I don't want to dwell on what went wrong, because lets face it, that would be an extensive list. What I want to take away from this is its okay. I screwed up. I failed big! Our home looks worse than when I started, my kids are all mad at me, and with our lack of finances... seeing my husband before I go to sleep is not likely. But somewhere in all of that, I just need to understand... its okay.
It honestly doesn't feel okay right now. I called my parents hoping for a positive moment but ended with a household of angry little ones. I cried on the phone. I felt hopeless. My youngest was throwing a pre-bedtime fit as I tried to explain why I was sobbing to my parents, when my mother began singing to the fussing baby over the phone. The tune was hush little baby. The words were less conventional. Think real life musical. Singing what you would be saying. That about sums it. My mom was singing what she would have been telling me to the tune of hush little baby. This may not be a big thing. I've heard her do this before, and I have done it on occasion... okay often would be a better word. However, something about her singing in that way, and the affect it had on the now sleeping infant struck me. Moments ago, my kiddo's life was a wreck. Whatever it was that she wanted, didn't want, felt, etc... it wasn't good. She was not a happy camper. Yet... a simple melody from a caring grandma told her... its okay. You can go to sleep. Whatever is wrong, whatever made you sad, it will be okay.
Even after the phone call ended, I could still feel the peace in the air. This is what got me to thinking. Sometimes, nothing works. And it is the days that you really put an effort in that are hardest to accept defeat. But that is okay. It is okay to fail. It is okay to cry on the phone. It is okay to feel sad before bed, or to not even want to go to sleep for fear that tomorrow might come all the more swiftly. It is okay. It happens. Be the one to comfort yourself. Be the one to hum or sing a soothing song. A melody of peace to sooth your inner infant. And hopefully it will stay with you all through the night.

Connections

Been working on my social media platforms lately and let me tell you, connecting is hard work. I have never been the best at connecting with others. In fact I often rate relationships as easy to manage and too much effort. Can we guess which ones I steer clear of. If I met someone that demanded full attention, required finesse when engaged in conversation, and/or was constantly needing... something. Nope. It wouldn't work for me. 

Now if you introduce me to someone that is easy to talk to, never gets offended by miniscule trifles (that personally I find make a friendship worthwhile... all those little nothings), and the relationship thrives despite lack of constant care. That is my type of relationship. Just consider me a lover of cacti. Beautiful specimens, low maintenance. 

But that isn't the case with social media. Social media is all about the maintenance! If you don't post, reply, share, update, and practically live on those sites, all your hard work dies! I can work hard on getting my tweets, peeps, snaps, flicks, picks, etc.… up to date and snazzy. Then two days of life hits me. I get back on the pages and Poof! I'm history.

I know there are sights you can set up that will do updates and posts while you are away, but doesn't that defeat the porpous… lol....just kidding... purpose.

You know, sometimes I wish social media was like a cactus. Less is more sort of thing. Instead I think social media is more inline with an orchid (I can never keep those things alive) or worse... a bonsai tree, which takes years and years to develop. Lots of nurturing and grooming. The perfect eye for what the tree can become. Some master skills at creating adorable little tree swings and benches and flowing rivers and.... sigh. 

I could just chalk it all up to a "Someday" statement. "Someday, I will be able to have a beautiful bonsai tree and miniature garden-scape."... "Someday, my orchid will be perfectly beautiful and healthy." "Someday, I will have a successful social media platform!" But we all know how those "Someday" statements usually turn out. 

For now I guess I will stick with my leathery skinned desert flora relationships and keep on trying to be a bonsai master!

What is comfort?

At this very moment I am looking at my cat. Her soft reddish-grey fur gently moving with each of her sleeping breaths. If only, I think to myself, if only I could sleep that soundly in a box three times smaller than myself.
It's funny. My cat can sleep anywhere. How can she do that? Even when I get in my big cushy plush bed with a thick quilted mattress and ample pillows, I struggle to calm my mind and sleep. Yet here is this fur baby making due with what would appear to be a very uncomfortable situation.
But that might be it, the solution to the problem. Maybe placing yourself in the most comfortable, undeniably relaxing, position isn't best for you.
I have read before that the human body/mind only wants to change when it is in more pain where it is at, thus making change seem less painful. I don't know how that would work for sleeping, but in life that might be the way to live.
The last little while we have been battling a very unfriendly gathering of bedbugs. We are unsure of how or when these wee beasties came into our home, but they are here. And only through the battle with these miniscule monsters have we started to understand how cluttered our life has been. The material things that we have gathered are starting to become less important the more we are eaten alive at night. Gradually we begin to shed off the useless possessions that contain multitudes of bugs. Perhaps it is for this purpose that bedbugs were made. To give people the chance to understand, stuff is not worth it. The important things in life are not stuffed or cushy. They are not big and bulky. Nor are they common things you would think are necessary. They are your children, your partner, you, and yes... the sleeping grey cat that finds the most comfortable place in the home is one that is not the right size. Just something to think about.

Update to date

Been trying to play catch up the last few days. It has been a difficult year for me so far, but I am determined to end with a bang! 

I'm still writing with Fiction Vortex. They are joining up with Story Shop now and I am certain they will change the reading/writing industry. I am just glad that I am apart of this movement.

Our family has gotten bigger. My new baby girl is such a spark in my sometimes dark existence. I am so happy to have her happy and healthy with her three siblings. Of course now I can't use my slogan "Military spouse mamma of three, trying to change her family tree, through writing." Just going to have to come up with something new and exciting.

I have good news about my depression as well. For so long it was just apart of me. Now I can see it fading. I tried a newish treatment for depression. Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is what it is called. A procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain. I wasn't sure if it would work to be honest. But with all the medications I have been on and the misery of living with depression growing, I decided to go with it.

I am glad I did. I may not notice big differences, but I have been told I laugh and smile more often, I enjoy things more, and I have gotten a bit more desire to do things. Hey, every little bit helps. I just didn't want to always be sad around my kids. Well anyone for that matter.

This will have to do for now. I know it is short and there wasn't much fun, knowledgeable insights shared. But I have a lot of stories I am working on, and we all know you would much rather read some great tales than hear me rant about something.

Complicated Joys

I finally set up my Author Website today. It took some doing just for the simplest of sites. As of lately I have been caught up in taking care of my little ducks (aka my kiddos), writing fairy tales for Fiction Vortex. If you haven't visited their sight you should, it has free reads of various genres, and I've been baking. Yup, making rolls. Super yum. At least my daughter thinks so. I made nine rolls last night and she ate seven of them. This is crazy for my daughter who rarely eats that much.
My book Apocalypse: Usifrim is up on Amazon. I guess I was expecting a big to do about it, but somehow it hasn't gotten the attention it deserves. I will say it is hard to promote your work while shaping the future of the human race. I'm not complaining, just talking. I know I am a mother and that is a HUGE job full of micro-jobs that I am certainly not qualified for, and sometimes being a mother is daunting to say the least, but it is extremely rewarding. Not so much with the amount of #2 I am dealing with as my son is potty training, but still rewarding. I love my crazies. They give my life meaning and bring me the most complex forms of joy. Like sending them off to their first day of school and thinking to yourself, "I'm so old. They are growing too fast." Yes I am glad my kids are alive and growing and going to learn. Though the pain of them leaving me is heart rending.
Okay, before I go I would like to share a little tidbit of fun to come... my story for fiction vortex is nearly ready for all your reads.

It had been days since Sylvia ran out of the Bounty Feast Ball. Her hurt feelings an obvious testament to her lack of control. She hated the dark haired, strangely alluring man who pitched her worst fears in her face. Even now Sylvia seethed about his arrogant judgement of her. She was the future High Queen.

With a fatal snip one of her beloved red rose blooms fell to the ground. “Oh.” Sylvia whimpered as she picked up the flower. “Forgive me.” She spoke softly to her plants, “I am out of sorts. Despite the time passed that fellow’s words ring in my head. I know it is no excuse. I should be more careful of your fragile state.” Gently she raised the blossom to her lips and kissed it softly.

“Why do you morn a loss that need not be?” The High Queen came up behind her granddaughter, taking the flower carefully she placed it back on the stem. With a whisper of words and a soft breath blown over the petals, the rose was restored. “Sylvia, I worry about your devotion to trivial things.”

“They are only trivial to others.”

“Your appreciation of life is admirable. If only I could get that trait to extend past the boundaries of this little haven you’ve created.” The High Queen looked out upon the autumn landscape. “It may not look pleasant or appealing to you now, but there is life outside the castle that is worth every bit of your devotion.”

“You didn’t just come here to talk of slumbering life. What is your true purpose?”

“The Elders and I have decided on your first challenge to determine your worthiness for the throne.” The Queen waited for a response. Her granddaughter continued to prune and water her wild roses. “Are you not interested?”

“I only assumed you would continue to speak of my task.”

Sighing the Queen picked up a watering container. She sprinkled a healthy bush of white roses as she spoke. “As you know, the High Queen is Queen to all the Fairy realms. She is all powerful in magic and wisdom. With the Elders as her counsel, the Queen must be able to make life altering decisions for all in her care. Such as you have the power to care for or destroy this garden.” The High Queen indicated the surrounding foliage. Her granddaughter remained stoic and indifferent, clearing her throat the Queen continued. “Such is the unending duty of the High Queen. Therefore the Elders and I believe you must prove your worthy of the position with a rather small test.” The Queen whispered and waved her hands, her granddaughter oblivious to her antics until it was too late. With a final whoosh of magic Sylvia began to shrink. She struggled to counter the spell, but it was too strong. In a last attempt to save herself she cried out to her grandmother. Her voice was shrill. The words she said were nothing more than tiny squeaks. The High Queen had transformed her into a mouse.

Shake it off... Shake it off

     It is interesting, the things that can try to bring you down. I would go into details but it would take way too much time. So to sum it up; weather, driving, lack of sleep, loneliness, and accusations. Sometimes you just have to take a moment to yourself and focus your thoughts. Do you want to cry? Do you want to give up on the day? Do you want to hide yourself away from the world? Or can you shake it off and step up? Like the story of the donkey in the well, take each scoop of dirt thrown at you and use it to benefit you. Yeah sometimes and some days that is easier said than done, and sometimes you may need that cry. Just remember to keep working for what you want.

Update!

     I have finally finished my first book. It has taken me since August 2011 till December 2015 to complete the manuscript. At the time being it is off being read for editing by some anxious fans. I am absolutely thrilled that I was able to complete it. I have recently started book two of what I think will be a trilogy. We are now entering the Angelic City. And I am excited to introduce to you a rival to our beloved Nero Kelldonis. Sir Alexandre. A super amazing, strong, mischievous yet sweet angel attractive angel with a dark side. Ohh it is just too exciting. Let the adventure continue.